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Dead Meat (2004) directed by Conor McMahon.
(Proposed Title: “Where are the damn Provos when you need them?”)
Starring Marian Araujo, David Muyllaert, Eoin Whelan, David Ryan and Amy Redmond.
Zombie Film Rating:

“I said no riders dammit!”

Teaser: Poor Helena is officially having a bad day.

She and her boyfriend had become lost, then just when they had begun to enjoy the rustic beauty of the “scenic route” had run over a local resident. The local resident then came back to life, bit her boyfriend who then tried to kill Helena. She’s now on the run through the Irish countryside with hundreds of zombies chasing her and only the local gravedigger for help. Although they’re never specific, it’s probably a typical Monday for most involved.

An enjoyable low-budget effort from Ireland. The film seems divided into two acts, with the first capturing the chaos and hopelessness of a flight from the unknown menance surrounding our two survivors, while the second sees them link up with other survivors and takes on a lighter, almost comedic, tone altogether.

“There was reports of an infection spreading around here, I saw it on the TV a few days ago. Apperantly some farmer was feeding dead animal remains to his cattle. After a few days the tables turned and the herd started attacking each other. And in some cases the farmers as well. Then the government came in and wiped out all the herds. That’s why you won’t see a cow around here for miles. That’s probably got something to do with it I think.” - Desmond

“Go get a tylenol, dead-head!”

Plot Summary: As the title credits roll we’re treated to glimpses of protective suit clad men loading cows onto transports. We then jump to a local farmer struggling out of bed to investige a late-night noise from his yard. Once outside he’s set upon by an extremely angry and violent bovine aggressor.

Yes, he is killed and eaten by a cow.

Leaving the farmer to his fate we’re taken to a car driving along a winding one lane road in the countryside near Leitrim, Ireland. Martin and Helena chatter briefly about being lost, and the beatiful scenery and then without further ado run down a dissheveled old man standing in the middle of the road. Once they’ve confirmed that he is, in fact, dead then they (not without some cringing) load the decedant into the back of their car and make ready to try and find the nearest authorities. Before they can forumalte a proper plan, however, the “dead” local sits up and bites Martin on the neck. Martin manages to bludgeon his attacker to death with “the club”, but after only a few minutes finds he lacks the strength to get up off the ground.

“It’s Fenagh Abbey. Actually, Cromwell was…never mind. ” - Desmond

“Zombie Picnic!”

Helena is directed to run to a cottage visible nearby for help, and finds its only occupant to be the decomposing body of an old woman. Before she can fully explore the cottage, zombie-Martin arrives and attacks her, after a short struggle she vacuums his eye out and flees on foot as more zombies arrive.

Finding her way to the road nearby she is nearly run down by a car she tries to flag down, and is saved at the last minute by Desmond, the local gravedigger. Desmond explains that following recent news reports of farmers feeding animal remains to their cattle there had been a massive government effort to eliminate the entire cow population of the area. He thinks, and he just may be right, that there is a connection between this and the zombies roaming all over.

After a quick discussion they decide to make for Desmonds cottage as the nearest town is too far to walk before nightfall. A series of minor chases and evasions with the local zombie population take place before the pair finally arrive at Desmonds cottage. Immediately on their arrival they find a young girl had been hiding within the cottage, and while chasing her down discover two more survivors and a Jeep parked a short distance away.

“First we saw, we were out in the back field of our own place. Looked up there yonder, Francie saw Padre O’Brien coming towards us. Thinking nothing of it, it often happens. But a strange look off him. Had to take the head off him, I’ve known him now for twenty years, it wasn’t an easy thing to do either.” - Cathal Cheunt

“Batter, Batter, Batter….sww-ing batter!”

After a short, but profanity filled, standoff between the two small groups of survivors it is finally agreed that they should group together, and make their escape from the zombie infested region. Foruntately the turn the radio on just in time to catch a broadcast that informs them that a rescue team will be waiting for uninfected survivors at the Castle Fort on the outskirts of Hobart Town. Deciding that is their best chance for survival, they head for the rescue team.

Trouble appears when the group encounters a crash site on the road, the zombified remnants of a childrens birthday party snacking on the parents. This sight causes the survivors to lose control of their vehicle and they leave the road, getting stuck on a muddy path.

The Jeep is soon surrounded by zombies, but luckily for the survivors the zombies appear to lose interest and wander off almost immediately. The siege has not ended however, as a vicious predatory cow is now lurking in the vicinity. The cow strikes, dragging Francie out of the jeep. The remaining three survivors flee on foot, stopping only to allow Cathal to drop the cow with one well placed baseball strike to the forehead.

“If ya knew her, you wouldn’t recognize her. I took half of her jaw off there!” - Cathal Cheunt

“But Chuck-e-Cheese was closed!”

The survivors stumble through the darkness and find themselves in the middle of a field of zombies. A normally terrifying experience is made confusing by the fact that the zombies appear to be sleeping. Frightened but thankful, the survivors quickly close the distance to the Castle Fort.

On their arrival they find the Fort completely empty, and worse the zombies have awakened and are now descending on the fort in massive numbers. The survivors choose an almost indefensible location to make their last stand and before long both Desmond and Cathal have been consumed by the horde.

Helena flees up a staircase (which would have been a better location for the last stand originally) seeking escape. As the zombies climb ever closer the rescue team finally arrives and begins clearing the zombies from the Fort. Helena is rescued from her zombie attackers at the last minute by bunny-suit clad armed men. As then final credits roll we are given glimpses of Humans being loaded onto transports by men in protective suits.

“Not bad, but you lack finesse..” - Desmond

“For the last time, they’re not my Jammies!”

Critique: This is a low budget production make no mistake, but it is one that substitutes ingenuity for cash and creativity for glitz. The film doesn’t bring much new to the table (aside from the origin of the virus), but maintains a solid pace that kept me interested until the end.

The first half of the film features a fairly typical “escape and evade” sequence of events with Helena and Desmond, and there is little humour present. The introduction of Chathal and Francie lightens the mood somewhat, but costs the film some of the tension that had been building so well.

There are some problems with the internal logic of the film, and a number of convenient coincidences but they are not so glaring as to distract from the film.

The Final Word: I’d recomend this one. It is a serious and solid zombie movie effort, and should be sought out by fans of the genre.

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