Jun 12 2007
Movie: “Mansion of the Living Dead” (1985)
Mansion of the Living Dead (1985) directed by Jesus Franco.
(Proposed Title: “Vacationing Strippers and the Unconvincing Dead”)
Starring Lina Romay, Eva León, Mabel Escaño, Antonio Mayans and Elisa Vela.
Zombie Film Rating: 
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Summary: Topless waitresses on vacation encounter an ancient quasi-evil which interupts their bi-sexual merriment. Can four vacuous women discover the secret of the perverted immortal monks in time to prevent a pointless prophecy from being fulfilled or will they perish in an explosion of superfluous nudity and bad acting, shredded by a script that doesn’t care and an audience that left an hour ago.
Billed as an homage to the “Blind Dead” series this film lacks any sort of a coherent plot, special effects, gore, acting or direction. Excessive nudity is just no substitute I’m afraid.
Watch this at your own peril, your IQ is in jeopardy just picking up the DVD case.
“Who would want to murder four hotties like us?” -
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Synopsis: Four friends take a vacation from the daily grind of topless waitressing in Munich at a discount island resort. They discover the resort to be completely empty when they arrive, but setting aside their concerns they settle in, determined to enjoy themselves.
Within the first 12 hours of their arrival they encounter a peeping-tom gardiner (Marleno) and have a cleaver thrown at them while sunbathing. Operating on the assumption that these problems are typical for vacationing strippers they steadfastly refuse to relocate and instead find solace in each others arms.
The first victim (Lea) is claimed in a scene lacking in any tension or clarity as she wanders into a nearby church after the bell begins ringing, and screams as the camera shows trees blowing in the wind. We’re left assuming that she merely fell into a plot hole never to be seen again.
Meanwhile, ditzy bimbo number three (Mabel) has encountered the hotel manager (Carlo Savonarola) during a naked stroll through the halls, and after a quick make-out session agrees to meet him at a later date.
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The manager meanwhile attends to a naked woman (olivia) he has chained up in his apartment for reasons that are never made at all clear.
He then meets with ditzy bimbo number three outside the old church, as the bells once again begin ringing he excuses himself, and she naturally follows him into the church finding it filled with unconvincing zombie monks. Taken prisoner by the Monks she is tried before the “Holy Court of the Cathar” and found guilty of being a tramp and is raped by the monks in some sort of ceremony which naturally culminates in her death.
With two of the girls now missing, and the resort in imminent danger of losing it’s one star rating the remaining two girls finally come to the conclussion that something is just not right and immediately resolve to engage in more lesbian sex to set things right.
Ditzy blonde number four (Candy) decides to go on a post-coital exploration of the hotel in an effort to discover the source of some recurring moans. She discovers the chained woman in the Managers apartment, and learns from her that the hotel has, in fact, been closed for years following a series of killings and mutilations took place.
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Despite this when next she encounters the hotel manager she makes out with him, then goes with him to the old abbey. Once there she discovers that she is some sort of kindred spirit to the woman who originally cursed the monks, and though she is put through the same rape ceremony as her friend she is left alive to return to the resort to strangle ditzy brunette number 1 (Caty).
The manager meanwhiles poisons Olivia as she stands in the way of his truly loving Candy, and thus removing the curse placed on the monks.
Another ceremony follows, and we are left with the impression that the curse is lifted.
Critique: This is easily one of the worst zombie movies I have ever seen. There is no plot to speak of, only the barest nod to the “blind dead” series to serve as some sort of backdrop to the gratuitous nudity.
Production values are consistent with the plot, and the special effects are the most amateurish latex efforts I have ever witnessed.
This movie is best viewed in a drive-in, preferably playing on a portable DVD player hidden somewhere behind a dumpster while a real movie plays.
The Final Word: Give this one a wide berth, trust me.
| Zombie Type: | Speaking, chanting, wandering |
| Outbreak Source: | Ancient curse, unspecified |
| Transmission method: | Ceremonial |
| Transmission timeframe: | Undetermined |
| Extent of Outbreak: | Localized |
| Destruction method: | Undetermined |
| Casualties (Living): | Several |
| Casualties (Undead): | None |
| Survivor Weaponry: | None |
I give up.
I’ve read this twice and it’s not making any sense. How does the-
What the hell am I doing?!
Making any sense? Making any sense? Are you kidding, look at it from my perspective, I had to try and summarize the “plot” here, damned if I can figure out what the hell was going on and I watched the movie twice to make sure I hadn’t missed something while I was preoccupied retching.
This one is easily a Mulva-esque effort, but they actually had some sort of budget to work with which is the part that confuses me. It wasn’t a huge budget, but honestly so much more has been accomplished with much less it just boggles the mind when crud like this is trudged out.
-sigh-
Ah well… reviews for more positive efforts are in the works, but I’ve got three or four real stinkers I’ve been plugging away at, and they bring me no joy what so ever. It’s almost like work!
So you’re saying don’t rent it?
But there’s strippers, and death, lesbian sex and scary things.
Oh wait, I think that’s why I saw “Turistas”, and “Hostile”.