Moral-Flexibility.Net

Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker (2001) directed by Chris Seaver.
(MF Title: “As if made on a dare…”)
Starring Missy Donatuti, Chris Seaver, Zafer Ulkucu, Debbie Rochon and Lloyd Kaufman.
Zombie Film Rating:

Overview: Mulva is a 20 something shut-in with an addiction to chocolate. As Halloween approaches she has decided to break out of her self imposed exile and “hit the streets” to score some good old fashioned candy loot. Unfortunately for her zombies have also decided to make an appearance in her little town of Tromaville, if she can survive the night chocolate will be the last thing on her mind.

In her venture she teams up with Mr. Bonejack and Teenape to send the undead right back to their grave.

Summary: Typically I write out a play by play of the movie here, going into some detail as to what took place, and setting out a basic (if irritating detailed) plot summary. I cannot do that this time, as there is no plot to speak of.

I don’t mean that in the usual sense. This movie is basically a “zombie movie” for the sake of making a “zombie movie”. It not only fails to bring anything new to the table, it fails to bring ANYTHING to the table aside from name dropping and clumbsy exageration.

Our main character is Mulva, a 20 something shut-in (a flashback sequence explains that her chocolate addition stemmed from a bizarre incident where two minor characters showed up at her door, and made sexually suggestive comments to her. Despite the fact that her face remains chocolate covered during this flashback, we’re never entirely sure what tenuous connection the writer was trying to make) decides to overcome her fears and head out for some good old fashioned trick’r'treating.

A series of random events occur from this point, including a brief and irritating conversation with Mr. Bonejack (in black facepaint and featuring a Don King wig), then some strange interaction with the odd residents of the first house they stop at (in daylight), then a “Benny Hill” style sequence of zombies and random characters running around (with the Benny Hill music too boot).

Finally our characters bunker briefly in someones basement, then break out (loosing a few generic characters in the process) and head downtown where they are joined by yet more characters (in some in-joke that I missed) including “teen ape”. The zombies, after a short musical sequence are destroyed and the surviving characters are thanked by the mayor of Tromaville (Lloyd Kaufman).

This is a movie in search of a plot, any plot…. I don’t expect low budget films to hold up to Hollywood standards for film, sound and special effect quality. I do expect them to make an effort to improvise, and to put more thought into the “scenario” and logic. This is the “make or break” factor with independant films. Perhaps if Chris Seaver had tried to emulate Tom Savini and George Romero, rather than simply dropping their names, we’d have had a watchable film here.

Critique: You’ve been reading this right?

This effort is badly filmed, badly edited, badly written, features bad acting, bad diaogue, an incoherent script and no suprises. It relies almost entirely on in jokes in an effort to endear itself to fans of the genre. To get my $10 worth from this DVD I will take it to the range and shoot multiple holes in it.

The Final Word: Anal Lesions, or watching this film…tough call.

As promised, shortly after viewing this film we took it to the range and introduced it to an assortment of calibres at relatively high velocities. This was the only manner in which I could get my moneys worth out of this DVD.